Emotional Safety
A Spectrum of Experiences
Not everybody has the same emotional safety needs. Or experiences it the same way.
What feels emotionally safe to one person may not feel true for another.
I was hiding under my covers, lights out, frozen, curled up in the fetal position, barely breathing, holding my phone as I called the police because there was a ‘crazy man’ yelling “let me in” walking repeatedly down the path below my window and beyond. Pretty sure he was on drugs.
A couple of days later I talked with my downstairs neighbor who had the courage to peak out her curtains to see what he looked like before calling the police. I didn’t have the wherewithal to do that in the moment. Her emotional safety wasn’t threatened at the same level mine was.
I felt completely petrified, even though I knew mentally I was in no personal danger. It wasn’t me he was yelling at yet the trauma felt real to my body in the moment.
I later processed the emotional experience with somebody who could support me. I didn’t stay stuck in it.
Emotional safety felt elusive at many levels yet I knew I was physically safe.
There were probably neighbors who slept through it, or laughed, ignored him, tolerated it until it was over with not much of an emotional response or felt sorry for the guy — a full list of choices. I don’t know because I didn’t talk with them.
On the other end of the spectrum, I take emotional risks that most people don’t. I’m willing to dive into feelings of anger, fear, pleasure, laugh out loud funny things that I see others shy away from, ignore or deny. I feel safe when I’m supported to face these feelings, accept them, embrace them, feel into discomfort knowing I will come out the other end feeling more emotionally safe.
Why am I sharing this?
Because you don’t know what others are dealing with that may cause an immediate activation of feeling unsafe emotionally.
Let’s say you tell a joke that is really funny to you but somebody listening isn’t laughing — at all. It’s not about you. You don’t have to take it personally that another doesn’t share your sense of humor. Different emotional safety factors are at play.
Yet you can also be sensitive with people you know, that a particular “funny” joke topic is never going to provoke laughter from that person.
For example, jokes that put women down in any way are not funny to me. Why would I laugh and encourage continued focus on that? It feels like a violation and an emotional safety activation.
I’m reading Sally Field’s autobiography In Pieces where she shares details of her relationship with Burt Reynolds, which was extremely emotionally unhealthy. Often dismissing her desires or things that were important to her, including her children, she went along with his focus and lost herself, which was not a new pattern for her. It was familiar, yet quite severe with him.
Sometimes we need to experience “extreme” in order to see our choices and make different ones.
When Sally embraced the character of Norma Rae for her movie, she finally embraced her own courage to end that abusive relationship where her emotional safety was not taken into account — by either of them.
Paying attention to your emotional safety and sharing with people who matter to you is important for relationships that flourish in your life. Pretending to feel safe when you don’t encourages continued behavior. As Dr. Phil says, “How is that working for you?”
I’ve heard multiple people say, “you train others how to treat you.” Oprah Winfrey mentions she learned this from Maya Angelou while talking with Rob Lowe on his “Literally” podcast.
If you feel emotionally unsafe and continue to encourage that behavior from others by not speaking up, then things won’t change.
And yes there are people who don’t want to take your emotional safety into account. Probably not a relationship that will serve you long term or even short term.
I recently told a good friend that when I feel conflict, I do best to write it out instead of talking it through out loud. I like to write it all down, see how I’m feeling, how I want to arrange what I’m sharing, taking responsibility for what is mine.
This is very common for people with my heart line type — Romantic Idealist. Heart lines in the hands identify how you express feelings. The Romantic Idealist is considerate and does best ‘weighing’ things and taking other people’s feelings into consideration.
So taking time to consider what I’m feeling, how I communicate it where it’s not generally blaming others matters to me. I don’t always succeed yet my emotional safety does best when I can truly think things through before communicating. I want to take the response from others into account.
Not all heart line types are designed in this way. Some do best talking things through out loud.
Initially I like writing out all the blame or judgment I feel. And yet I don’t want to stay in the blame and judgment. It’s false power, it’s temporary power. And actually is not true. I feel it, move through it by writing it out.
When I write down what I’m actually going through, I can see the truth and what isn’t my truth. By the time I share it in writing, I’m feeling so much more clear.
If I get on the phone with people, I tend to not say everything I want to share because I may feel activated by being cut off or not really heard. If somebody starts talking, needing to share something before I feel complete, I tend to not continue with my sharing. I stop, hold back, feel shut down. So writing works.
My emotional safety, my self-care and self-love happens when I take actions that are aligned with what I know to be true for me.
I encourage you to honor your own process and have permission to let others know what feels emotionally safe for you and what doesn’t.
It’s an act of self-love.
Pamelah Landers is an Expert Master Hand Analyst. www.PamelahLanders.com Intuitive Business Mentor and Relationship Expert
