Seduced into Silence by Sexual Abuse
One Impact That Survivors May Experience
Note: If you were molested or sexually abused, this may be hard to read. Trust yourself and don’t read it if it doesn’t feel right.
Or it may be very helpful to take a look at any blame you may have taken on for yourself that wasn’t yours.
I was told by my Guidance, sitting on a couch one day in 2007, that I am here to help heal neglect and abuse. Taking that charge seriously, since 1988 I’ve been on my own journey of sexual abuse recovery. This is one aspect I’ve researched and learned about and want to support others in helping heal their experience with neglect and abuse.
And I have hand markings that identify me being designed to delve into these deeper places.
***************
One impact of sexual abuse, mostly related to childhood abuse, is being silenced and having to cope emotionally — alone.
I’m sharing this because maybe it will help your or others in your life understand one type of impact. And create space for healing.
Being silenced and coping by yourself emotionally: you are set up for it. This can become a life pattern. It was for me until I chose to do the inner work to shift that consciousness, make another choice. It’s a journey. Unaware that pattern had been established only came to light through my inner work.
If your molester is a family member, after you have been violated, you are expected to ‘act normal’ as if nothing happened. “Come to dinner with the family.” And then be your previously ‘normal’ self which is to take care of them, not you.
It’s crazy-making and can create an emotional split in your internal feelings. Which you need to manage yourself. Here is why.
Because…you’ve been well trained by the time you are molested to not tell, to not say anything. You’ve been seduced into silence.
When you are a child and you are seduced, most of the time the molester has “tested you” to be sure you won’t tell. There has been a seduction process.
Oprah Winfrey talked about this when she had her network show. She interviewed four men who had been imprisoned for childhood molestation. They all had in common a very well-planned seduction process. It can also be true for women who molest children; they weren’t interviewed.
Oprah later did a show with Tyler Perry, with 200 men in the audience who had been sexually molested. Tyler shared his story of being sexually violated by a neighbor woman. He felt seduced.
Sexual abuse is almost always done in private. Emotional and physical abuse are often done in front of others in the family, community, church, school, etc. “You are stupid!” or being slapped across the face or hit on the butt is often done with others around. For sexual violations, the seducer knows it needs to be hidden and kept secret.
The seduction process means that the molester may start by endearing him or herself to a lonely child, for example. Or touches the arm of a child to see what reaction will happen. If the child doesn’t respond by pulling away, because the child has no idea what is happening … or it feels good, then the seducer will continue to take steps, constantly testing to see if the child says anything or resists. Maybe a hug is next. Later followed by a kiss on the cheek, constantly observing the child’s reaction.
Sometimes this is done in public in a family gathering and the seducer is checking to see if any of the adults are even paying attention to the child. So by the time the actual sexual interaction happens, the seducer is very clear that silence will be guaranteed. That is one of the ways they get away with it. Carefully, step-by-step, they are establishing control of the child. An environment of secrecy is created on purpose.
The child has given their power away to the molester and has the seducer has developed a trusting relationship with the child. One step at a time.
Not all childhood molestation is done this way. But it is one of the things these men in prison interviewed by Oprah all agreed on.
They also may say to the child, “You want me to do this.” They have so much emotional control over the child, that the child believes them, one step at a time. The molester is doing the best job possible to create trust with the child so that each step of the process can happen. If there is any threat of the child telling, the molester may stop. It’s not worth it, these men said, to risk being discovered.
Secrecy well established, trusting the molester to be there for the child is suddenly and instantly betrayed with the introduction of anything sexual, beyond hugs or light kisses or caressing or being held. It’s a shock and surprise and can be stressful for the child.
This means, because of the privacy and secrecy, that the emotional coping is all up to the child. Asking a seducer to stop probably doesn’t even occur to the child because this process has been so well designed. So the child’s confusion is put aside. The fear is buried. The betrayal is ignored at a level of asking for help.
The child has already been trained and learned to take care of the perpetrator — first. The child’s safety and emotional well being isn’t considered.
There is nobody to share with, ask for help, feel supported or taken care of. The child is alone to deal with feelings of betrayal, surprise, maybe physical pain on their own, from the viewpoint and life experience of that child’s age. A 3-year-old or 7-year-old has no choice but to view this event or ongoing events through that age filter.
It’s highly confusing for the child to know that these circumstances aren’t what “love really is” because this person who seems to really care about them is creating these bonds then betrays and hurts that child.
The most significant part is the secrecy. Keeping the secret, not telling anybody is often threatened as well once trust has been created.
Things are said like, (and I’ve actually talked with people who were told these things)
“I will kill you if you say anything.”
“Nobody will believe you.”
“Your mother won’t believe you.”
“This is our little secret.”
“If you tell anybody then I won’t love you any more.”
“If you tell anybody you won’t get any food.”
“I know you want this. You are asking for it.”
Children who endured this learned that they can’t tell anybody because the threat is pretty harsh. They were encouraged every step of the way to keep it hidden. So the pain is hidden. The emotional response is hidden.
This becomes a life style of living. Keeping secrets. The child learns to cope at the age which they are in whatever they know about coping. They may never get past coping from that age unless they do some personal work around it.
And we wonder why the abuse continues into our adulthood. We were trained to not tell. Seducers at any age KNOW we won’t tell because they have created that environment and bond. They have consciously or unconsciously checked it out.
If we don’t share our story at some point, we stay stuck in the emotional energy of the age in which we are silenced.
As a side note, on her podcast, “Unlocking Us,” Brené Brown interviewed Tarana Burke who started the #metoo movement . She shares why she started the movement many years ago.
The seduction into silence is not going away. Your role can be to start sharing your story, your experience — with somebody trustworthy.
There is a lot of healing to happen, changes to address and insights to be shared for this process to change in your family lineage. What role do you feel called to play?
If you’ve been molested and never told anybody, sharing your story with somebody is a good start on the healing path. Relationships in your life may change as a result of sharing this secret. For me that was a huge relief as it has been for many women and men I’ve talked with over the last 33 years since my first memories in 1988.
~ Tell somebody you trust whom you know will listen and believe you.
~ Tell somebody who is trained to handle this if that feels important to you.
~ Call a crisis line and talk with somebody who knows how to support you. Even if this happened in childhood and you are an adult, a crisis line has trained volunteers.
~ You don’t have to keep the secret anymore if you don’t want to.
~ The secret is to protect the perpetrator.
~ It wasn’t for your highest good.
I’ve also heard many, many stories over the past 33 years from people who were molested and told a family member who either ignored it, denied it, said things like “this happens” or “we don’t talk about these things” or “you are making that up” or got angry about it.
So sharing with a family member may not be the safest way to begin. You really need to listen to your own internal voice to see who would be the best person or best place to share your story.
Knowing it wasn’t your fault is also important. You were seduced one step at a time, one carefully orchestrated, tested step at a time.
Pamelah Landers is a survivor of sexual abuse and has actively been healing for many years, researching, listening to people’s personal stories and diving deeply into her own personal recovery work in multiple modalities.
